“Criticism is useless—it only causes loss. Instead, use praise and encouragement.”
— Benjamin Franklin
We’ve all been there—fuming because someone dropped the ball, cringing at a careless mistake, or just… disappointed when things fall short. In that heated moment, it’s so tempting to point fingers—to call out what went wrong, assign blame, maybe even vent a little.
But let’s be real: criticism rarely fixes anything. More often, it just leaves everyone feeling smaller.
If you want to truly influence people, spark real change, and build lasting relationships—at work, at home, or in business—you need a different approach. One that starts not with judgment, but with kindness, empathy, and genuine encouragement.
I’m going to show you exactly why criticism backfires and how a little well-placed praise can change everything. You’ll also walk away with simple, practical ways to become the kind of leader, colleague, friend, or partner people actually want to follow.
So, what’s the deal? Why does criticism hold us back, and how can changing your tone deliver better results?
Stop Blaming, Start Growing: Why Criticism Hurts More Than It Helps
Sure, it feels good to vent. To say, “This is your fault.” To let someone know they messed up.
But ask yourself honestly: did that outburst actually solve the problem? Or did it just leave a trail of defensiveness and distance?
Here’s the honest truth: no one likes being criticized—even when they know they messed up.
Dale Carnegie spent decades studying how people connect. After talking to thousands—from factory workers to CEOs—he kept coming back to one idea: people light up when they feel appreciated, not accused.
Harsh words might give you a momentary sense of control, but over time, they erode trust, kill morale, and shut down honest conversation. Worst of all? They don’t lead to real growth. They just make people shut down or push back.
So if criticism doesn’t work… what does?
It starts with one quiet choice: lead with kindness.
The Hidden Cost of Criticism (and What to Do Instead)
1. Criticism breeds resentment, not results
Picture this: you’re a team member who made an honest mistake. You followed the process, gave it your best, and missed one tiny detail. Then your manager calls you in… not to help, but to shame you.
How would you feel?
Embarrassed? Demoralized? Maybe even angry?
You might fix the error, sure. But will you speak up next time? Will you go the extra mile?
The numbers don’t lie. A Harvard Business Review study found that employees who hear more criticism than encouragement are:
- 40% less engaged
- 50% more likely to start job hunting
- Far less willing to take a risk on a new idea.
Meanwhile, teams led with empathy and recognition? They’re more productive, collaborative, and loyal.
Try this instead: The next time someone slips up, switch your question from ‘Who do I blame?’ to ‘How can I help them grow?
2. Even small praise can lift someone up
People are hungrier for validation than we realize. Sometimes, even a quick “Nice work” can turn someone’s whole day around.
I’m not saying fake it. But don’t underestimate the power of noticing—even the little things.
- “Great job on that presentation—you made complex data feel clear.”
- “I saw how patient you were with that frustrated client. That took real grace.”
- “I know this project was tough. Thanks for sticking with it.”
These aren’t empty niceties. They’re tiny deposits in someone’s confidence bank.
Benjamin Franklin nailed it centuries ago:
“When dealing with people, remember: everyone wants to feel important. The way to get results is to make others feel valued.”
Make it a habit: give one specific, sincere compliment every day—to a coworker, your partner, even your kid. Watch how the air in the room changes.
3. Sometimes, silence is the kindest word
There’s an old Khmer proverb I’ve carried with me for years:
“The more you talk, the more you argue. The more words, the more trouble.”
This isn’t about being silent when something truly matters. It’s about choosing wisdom over reaction.
Before you speak, ask:
- Is this necessary?
- Will it actually help?
- Am I coming from frustration… or care?
If the answer’s no, maybe say nothing at all.
But if you must speak, wrap your feedback in support.
Instead of: “You messed up again.”
Try: “I know you’re capable. Let’s figure out how to avoid this next time.”
Hear the difference? One shuts the door. The other opens it.
My rule: Pause for 10 seconds before reacting. Ask: “Is this helpful? Is this kind? Is this necessary?” If not, let it go—or reframe it with care.
A Real-Life Lesson: The $20,000 Mistake That Changed My Life
Let me take you back to August 28, 2001.
I was a young financial analyst at ABA Bank in Cambodia. Back then, we didn’t have much tech to lean on. Reports were compiled by hand, numbers cross-checked twice, every decimal point scrutinized.
One month, I prepared the financial statement. Everything looked solid. But during the audit, a red flag popped up: $20,000 was missing.
My stomach dropped. An investigation began, leading to days of stress. Then—we found it. A single misplaced decimal point in a manual entry. Tiny error. Massive consequence.
I braced myself for the worst—firing, public shame, maybe even legal trouble.
Instead, my supervisor called me into his office and said something I’ll never forget:
“I’ve seen real progress in your work. You follow procedures well. But there’s one thing to sharpen: your attention to detail. Double-check your numbers, and you’ll go far.”
No yelling. No blame. Just clear, kind feedback wrapped in belief.
What struck me? He always started with what was working. Only then did he name the gap.
Because of that moment:
- I didn’t dread coming to work the next day.
- I became obsessive (in a good way) about accuracy.
- I respected him—not out of fear, but genuine admiration.
His approach wasn’t soft. It was smart. And it worked.
The Science Behind Kind Leadership
Kindness isn’t just ‘fluff.’ Neuroscience and psychology actually prove it’s one of the most powerful tools we have.
1. Your brain learns better in safety—not shame
When someone attacks us, our amygdala—the brain’s alarm system—goes off. We go into fight-or-flight. Not exactly the mindset for learning.
But when feedback comes with empathy? Our thinking brain stays online. We can actually hear what’s being said—and grow from it.
Try the SBI model for kind, clear feedback:
- Situation: “In yesterday’s meeting…”
- Behavior: “…you interrupted Sarah a few times.”
- Impact: “…and she didn’t share her full idea. We missed out.”
This keeps it about actions—not character.
2. Psychological safety = real innovation
Google studied hundreds of teams (Project Aristotle) to find what made the best ones tick. The #1 factor? Psychological safety—the feeling that it’s okay to speak up, take risks, and admit mistakes.
How do you build that? Replace judgment with curiosity.
Instead of: “Why did you do that?”
Try: “Help me understand your thinking.”
Even better: share your own mistake in a team meeting. Say what you learned. Give others permission to be human, too.
3. Compassion builds loyalty—especially in hard times
When someone’s struggling, it’s easy to get impatient. But here’s what sticks with people: how you treated them when they were down.
Compassion doesn’t mean ignoring problems. It means addressing them with dignity.
Instead of: “You’re falling behind again?”
Try: “I’ve noticed you’ve been under pressure. How can I support you?”
That’s how trust is built. And trust is the engine of long-term performance.
Also Read: The Importance of Politeness: A Timeless Virtue That Builds Trust, Success, and Human Connection
5 Real Ways to Swap Criticism for Growth
Most advice stops at “be nicer.” Let’s go deeper. Here’s what actually works:
1. Two Stars and a Wish
Share two specific things that went well (“Your report was thorough, and your charts made the data pop”), then one gentle suggestion (“Next time, could we add a one-page summary for leadership?”).
It’s honest—but never crushing.
2. Create “Feedback-Free Zones”
In brainstorming sessions or team lunches, agree: “For the next 30 minutes, no critiques—only ideas.”
Creativity thrives when people feel safe to be creative and experimental.
3. Ask for permission first
Before giving feedback, say: “Can I share a quick thought?” or even better: “What kind of feedback would help you most right now?”
It flips the script—and reduces defensiveness.
4. Use “we,” not “you”
Compare:
“You missed the deadline.”
“We missed the deadline. How can we protect that timeline next time?”
“We” say: We’re in this together.
5. Praise the effort, not just the outcome
That employee who tried a new approach and failed? Say:
“I saw how much heart you put into this. Let’s talk about what we learned.”
That’s how people become resilient.
The Ripple Effect of Kindness
This isn’t just about good feelings—it drives the bottom line. Kindness is contagious. When you treat someone with dignity, they pass it on.
Treat someone with dignity, and they’ll treat others the same. A toxic team can become a thriving one—starting with one person choosing a different path.
Like my supervisor, who could’ve torn me down—but chose to lift me up instead.
That one act didn’t just fix a $20,000 error.
It shaped my entire career.
Conclusion: Choose Kindness. Lead With Heart.
Just to be clear: choosing kindness isn’t about letting people off the hook. It’s about delivering the truth with care.
It means seeing people not as problems to fix, but as humans capable of growth—when given the right support.
So the next time you’re tempted to criticize, pause.
Ask yourself:
- Can I lead with empathy?
- Can I name what’s working before what’s not?
- Can I build someone up… instead of tearing them down?
As Maya Angelou once said:
“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
And if you want to inspire others, earn trust, and leave a legacy that matters—kindness isn’t optional.
It’s everything.
